Where Did All My Books Go.
A book is a terrible thing to waste.
I used to read for fun. I like to joke that, “I used to read a lot. And then I got friends.” And it was true. I no longer needed the company of fictional characters on a page to keep me company. I had people I could talk to instead. I stopped reading a lot once I hit maybe the 8th grade or freshman year of high school. I remember so distinctly being on a tour of my soon-to-be school and hearing there were no more AR (Accelerated Reading) tests. I got so excited it was actually kind of funny.
I had always been that kid. I liked fruit and vegetables and running at recess… and reading. Another memory of mine was taking an aptitude test in the 8th grade. I literally fell asleep while taking it and still ended the test at a 12th grade reading level. And that makes sense. I’ve always loved books. My mom took my sister and I to our local library all the time. We went to used bookstores and my favorite place to go was the now defunct BORDERS Book Store (Barnes & Noble I’m so sorry but you could never be her…). Even just the idea of throwing away a book sounds like one of the worst things a person could do. Because even if you’re not reading it… someone else out there might want to. At one point I even thought I might become a writer someday.
So how did I go from reading books before seeing the movie and being able to absolutely CRUSH an entire Rick Riordan book to barely being able to make it through 1 chapter of a decently small book? Honestly? Probably because I’m always on that damn phone lmao.
No but for real. Life has been absolutely nonstop for me the last 3 years. I went from being in walking distance to a job on-campus to working two jobs to eventually commuting an hour for a retail job as well as an hour and a half for school. I lost all drive to do anything but what was absolutely necessary. I would eat. sleep. drive. do homework. repeat. I was exhausted…
And then…
In 2022 I decided, “Why don’t I go to the Barnes & Noble after work today?”. I walked through the two-level bookstore and found myself enamored with what I found. A place where I could walk around without answering customer questions. A place where I could just exist. Me, my music, and the stacks around me. That was when I started getting into graphic novels. Very entry-level I know. But it was a start. A start I could lose myself in as someone that’s very interested in graphic design, illustration, and all things visually creative. That was the best thing I could’ve done for myself if I’m honest. I didn’t realize how much I missed books. As a cashier, I spent all day at work looking at a screen. As a commuter, I spent all day looking at highways and road signs. As a student I spent more time looking at more screens. As a creative I spent even MOREEEE time looking at screens both big and small. My eyes were tired. My body was tired. My brain was tired. But when I read those graphic novels and got sucked into the worlds these authors so beautifully illustrated, I found fulfillment where exhaustion usually thrived.
And in 2023 I rediscovered audiobooks. Growing up I would listen to books on tape (literally. Like. On cassette.) and books on CD. I listened to Adventures in Odyssey and Down Gilead Lane. I would even listen to books on our house’s intercom system when I was home alone so I could hear the stories throughout the house. Listening is nothing new to me. It felt good to evolve from graphic novels to chapter books. It felt even better to have something hold my attention for hours at a time through commutes, homework sessions, and 15 minute breaks at work. I was finding my flow again.
I don’t think people really understand just where I was at when I went back to school in 2023. The commute was quite literally killing me. I was driving around 300 miles every two days between work and school. Not even energy drinks could really save me. I was dreading every single moment I had to spend sitting in my car because I knew that on the other end of it was a responsibility and approximately 3 hours of time alone listening to the same exact playlists day in and day out. And then came audiobooks. Now I had the choice between “book or song” and it felt like agency over my own life was coming back to me. On my drive home from school, there was another Barnes and Noble about halfway through the commute. I would stop in that parking lot after nodding off and nap in my car for 1-2 hours before deciding on whether or not I wanted to go into the bookstore. On the days where I happened to have enough energy, I would even get work done at a table next to the cafe inside. Life felt so much better. I felt so much better. Third spaces were returning to me once again.
And then came graduation.
I no longer had a 3 hour roundtrip commute. I was no longer paying for school out-of-pocket for another semester. Now I just had work and home. But work and home looked a little different. I accepted a keyholder position at a time when our new management was just stepping in. She was awful to say the least and I was taking on a lot more than I should’ve been as lower management. But management is still management and I take that very seriously. But I was already burnt out from school. There was almost no time for me to bounce back from everything I had done to my body over the last 3 years. I was exhausted and pulling from resevoirs that had run dry years ago.
I know this is all getting a little sad and a little serious but it’ll all come back around. I promise.
Flash forward to 2025. Books no longer keep me engaged in an audio format during my commutes to and from work. I listened to over 50 books in 2024 but can’t seem to pry myself away from predictable romance novels because they’re easy to follow and even easier to get distracted from. I’m falling asleep during my commutes and even blasting loud music won’t help.
Enter reduced hours at work.
Towards the end of 2024 I told our new Store Manager (even newer store manager because our old new manager got fired 3 months in) that I would need reduced hours in the New Year. She saw how hard I worked and completely understood. And that’s how I’m able to write this blogpost today. Consecutive days off when all I knew for years was maybe a day here or there.
Last week I started reading The Picture of Dorian Gray. I couldn’t read it in my head so I read it out loud becoming my own audiobook. It felt so good. I absolutely understand the hype around Oscar Wilde. That is a very smart man… Anyways. That emboldened me. If I could wake up, make a cup of tea, and enjoy a chapter of a book first thing in the morning then there’s so much life left for me to live. Days like this can happen again. So a few days later I went to that fateful Barnes & Noble halfway between me and my Alma Mater. I walked around for maybe an hour and a half just looking for creative inspiration and reading excerpts from books. I found the act of looking through books so deeply calming that I even found myself sitting fully on the ground reading pages from a book on how to mend clothing. That day I bought ‘Art & Fear: Observations On The Perils (and Rewards) of ARTMAKING’, ‘Palace Costume’, ‘Fairy Tales’ the photobook collaboration between Petra Collins and Alexa Demie, and ‘Keith Haring Journals’.
I got these books because I needed to feel less alone as an artist. I needed inspiration and tactile creativity. That’s exactly what I got. And I’m so excited to read through each one of these.
a few days later my mom and I went to a used bookstore from my childhood and I bought a magazine, two DVDs, and a wax seal kit. I also found a HUGE book of Norman Rockwell art but my mom claimed that for the living room table.
I may not have found the exact answer to my reading problem but I’ve found the beginning of a new reading journey. One that’s hopefully full of learning and growth. I’m so excited for that.